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The best way to honor and protect free speech is to blaspheme. And so, in solidarity with recent events:

The people behind Charlie Hebdo are a bunch of racist, sexist, shit-stain hacks.

The editors delighted in portraying everyone but the Gauls in a poor light. The women kidnapped by Boko Haram are transformed into pregnant welfare queens, rather than the scared, frightened children they were, so they could mock the opinions of no-one. It’s not enough to say all British people are snide jerks, no, they must also be portrayed as fat ugly women to truly become monsters. FEMEN may also mock religious prudes, but rather than cheer them on they’re represented as dick-kicking, violent tyrants hell-bend on world domination. Mocking a religious figure? Cool by me. But couldn’t you come up with something better than pointing his ass at our faces (with a touch of penis leakage as a pièce de résistance) and declaring “a star is born?” Where’s the wit in blatantly portraying rape? I can only imagine the guffaws that ensued when one of their cartoonists realized he could turn a turban into a penis tip, or another found an excuse to shove a dumpling up someone’s ass.

Demonstrating that heterosexual men are not attracted to one another is not the height of wit, nor even juvenile (as most children have the decency to keep their whoopee cushion days to a mere temporary phase). What it is, is drawing smilies on the wall with your own shit. It’s mistaking offense for criticism, mistaking outrage for being right.

And it’s not punishable by death.

The answer to racism is not being shot at, terrorized, locked up, have tomatoes thrown at you, nor get a hair plucked out. Neither is the answer to lazy comedy a mild waterboarding. It is to point and laugh, to point and explain, to contrast by doing better, or even to ignore and move on. Violence is always the wrong answer, even when it’s the only one. The attacks on Charlie Hebdo and its employees are worthy of full, unconditional condemnation.

But once that’s over, feel free to continue demanding that brown people Muslims condemn each act of violence committed in their name (which they do often), while saying nothing of white people Americans who terrorize minorities in the name of racial purity. Oh, you didn’t hear about that? That’s probably for the best, because it might have challenged your views and made you a better, more compassionate person; instead, you can lullaby yourself back to sleep by fixating on more comfortable forms of terrorism while making people jump hoops to satisfy your racism.

So go on, punch at the easy targets. Go on, tear down one form of blasphemy by erecting another. I’m sure you’ll make the world a better place by pooping on people’s faces.

[EDIT: Added more examples of Muslims condemning the attack, and added the bits about jumping hoops]

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